Why Children Are Like Magpies
- Or, ‘Reflections On Modern Parenting’

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased – nay, delighted! – to be able to divulge a little-known dieting secret, the preserve (far fewer calories than jam or marmalade) of serious slimmers for decades…

Have you noticed the perplexing tendency of young children to scavenge? Just as magpies famously steal all that glisters (but is not gold), in order that one day one finds one is without one’s milk-bottle tops, or the new shiny hinge on the garden gate (vitally important items, no?); so children seem to make a bee-line (or should that perchance be ‘magpie-line’?) for…my breakfast, luncheon, tea…

This morning, I sat at the table with two slices of toast for company (and sustenance). Shortly after perching upon the chair, I was joined by my two-year-old host-brother, Elijah. He began to appeal to me for food, and like the silly soft monkey I am, I broke off a quarter to keep him going, and hoped he would eat in his beautifully charming way while I had some food too. Alas, he eats at the speed of a charging bull, and so was soon eying up my plate like Casanova after a new girlfriend. Grrr. The thieving child reached over, picked up a whole half a slice of toast (I know that makes little mathematical sense) and began to munch. Well, he has a very endearing face, so I wasn’t particularly annoyed, though I do believe he is getting far too cheeky. While he was halfway through his (my!) breakfast – having already had his own cereal and toast, I might add – I thought I might have a little morsel of melon (fruit being one of God’s finest creations)…And as soon as I had sat down again with the fruit, Elijah began to point, and poke, and pester…

No, no, sonny Jim, you finish your toast. He had two wee bites of melon and that was enough, methinks. He reminds me of a seagull – most adequately fed already, but extremely greedy.

Why do you think children have become so demanding? I consider it the problem of modern parenting! We are so stressed or pressed for time (as we fill it with stupid, pointless things) that it is easier to give in to a small sprout’s whinges than it is to say ‘no’. Well, parents of Britain unite! It’s time to say ‘no’ to your horrors (even if they are very cute and you want to watch Neighbours in peace): it’ll save you time in the long run…such as at the police station in a few year’s time, when your little darling has been arrested for stealing a bicycle ;o)

When I have children myself, this shall be one of my principles: JUST SAY NO.

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PS: I do heartily recommend sharing, but as with many things, tis a question of circumstance: I mean, would anyone like my current bad cold, or the sickness bug I’ve been in bed with all week?! I wouldn’t want to be selfish, you know…

(PPS: By the way, 'have children and spoil them' was my aforementioned dieting tip of 2005, if anyone missed it: try it, it works.)